Trevor XXVI 2023 - The Dorset Golf Resort
25 years ago, East Dorset Golf Club saw the first ever OH Trevor Win achieved in the heart of the “Ultra-competitive era” where cheating accusations, fisticuffs (even between teammates) and professional level tension were the norm. Dorset history has now repeated itself in 2023 and the years of OH straw-clutching has suddenly transformed into the unlikely OH claim of “we’re unbeaten somewhere”.
Furthermore, the now Dorset Golf Club has now agreed to another name change, this time to “Fortress OHA”. The suggestion was made by some OH that the Trevor Trophy should now be played there every year but the way Major Matt whinged about his long journey to Dorset, this idea would doubtless not involve his presence.
However, given his pointless golfing performance over the weekend, some of his teammates might support the concept as poor major Matt found leadership an overwhelming burden and sadly couldn’t multi-task captaincy and playing. In fact, being a losing captain and totally pointless in the weekend sets a new Trevor record. Not since Karlos lost his 15th consecutive singles has such a low point been reached but Matt accomplished this with some aplomb and now has a long lonely winter to try to regroup and inspire his beaten troops whilst hitting the range in minus 10 degrees all winter. To be fair, Major Matt wasn’t alone in total golfing incompetence as both Sir Pete (excused on emotional grounds) and the well fancied, in-form and highly competitive Medsy were also winless which was, well….. surprising. Then again, given that Medsy’s partners in two of the matches were actually Matt and Pete themselves it may not have been all his fault.
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Coming into this year’s Trevor was the crystal clear memory of the 1998 match where El Presidente Prichy, following his disgraceful and vulgar display in the 1997 handicap race at Lyneham’s 18th hole, won the bet that he couldn’t top that disgraceful performance by forcing Jimmy Hooke to walk alongside his injured teammates buggy. OH Captain leafy used the memory of this Alex Carey-Bairstow moment to fire up his charges for this year’s Trevor along with a massive bluff-con handicap meeting the week before where Matt’s basically honest and good faith character was no match in a game of the dark arts where Leafy is the overlord. British Airways cargo didn’t lose money (and Cargo) for 20 years for no reason and with Matt’s rear end already sore before the Trevor even started, the OH were feeling strangely confident.
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Out on the course, as usual some grown men hit some little white round hard things on some grass for a few days but, not to belittle the great game, we should recall some great golfing moments from the weekend.
The first of those great moments were shared equally by every single Trevorer on the Saturday afternoon fourballs. The unadulterated joy of Trevorers finishing golf and reaching the bar after hours and hours in the icy, pissing rain and wind was deeply emotional. Some historical measure of the conditions can be measured in two unique events. Firstly, the crack Ukrainian tank battalions being trained by His Majesty’s finest in the Tank range next to the course, who were preparing for the harsh Russian winter, had actually stopped because the weather was too bad. They were subsequently spotted atop their high observation tower overlooking the course pointing confused at the bizarre sight of Trevor golfers fighting on, soaked to the skin, freezing cold wondering if we might be conscripted to the Ukrainian version of the Wagner group. We gave them Cookie’s number so Putin’s days are now surely numbered.
Second, and in a Trevor First, one entire fourball group (Namely and shamely…. Softers, Sarge, JR, Disco) decided to call it a day after 9 holes and thus without so much of a “they’re still playing behind and in front of us so should we really desert the trenches?” , they shook hands for a dishonorable half. This followed a discussion when the ROW were actually one up. With the Trevor decided by just a few points we can only imagine the discussions amongst the ROW soldiers that night who had stayed on the frontline to fight to the death whilst their cowardly comrades with their white feather caps drank hot coffee in the warm bar and were three beers deep before their Private Ryan teammates were carried in by medics from the combat zone. However, the deserting 4 ball escaped appropriate levels of scrutiny on the grounds that every other player had at least also thought about desertion but only time will tell what future Trevor justice will fall on these sad, sad, disgraceful individuals.
Another major feature saw, for the first time in years, Trevor men gathered on the 18th on singles day to work out whether there was a tight contest. This was a brand-new feeling replacing the depression of the recent ROW dominated years where the singles barely warranted playing at all and where the last nights OHA motivational team talk was “sorry lads, we’re fucked again”.
Even better than this was one of the defining moments in Trevor history as previous fit and healthy golfers nearly en masse turned into old men lazy fuckers in buggies. This pivot, however sad, prompted the Trevor version of the Canonball Run, but to the music of Benny Hill, as a dozen buggies full of Trevorers jumped on their steeds and headed back down the course to the closing holes to witness the tension for themselves. On arriving at the 16th tee it appeared the Trevor was heading for a gripping finale with Toby and Copey both down in their singles against Jack and Jonny meaning the Trevor was….all square!!!
With Jack and Jonny already looking exhausted from playing 16 holes without a single light hearted moment against the OHA’s most intense pairing, all eyes looked backwards to final groups of the Saint and Leafy versus Karlos and Kev. But with Leafy already having secured his win, it appeared the Trevor was in the hands of the Saint. The tension remained as the Copey-Toby-Jonny-Jack matches teed off on 17 to the Trevor version of total silence but this was soon deflected by the news that the Saint had a putt for the Trevor. Such was the poor understanding of the match score by all present that this was announced just 0.1 seconds before Saint rolled in his victory putt and the Trophy returned to Hampton. The phrase “Saintly just won the Trevor” was not high on the bookies list at the start of the weekend but nonetheless went down in history.
The first of those great moments were shared equally by every single Trevorer on the Saturday afternoon fourballs. The unadulterated joy of Trevorers finishing golf and reaching the bar after hours and hours in the icy, pissing rain and wind was deeply emotional. Some historical measure of the conditions can be measured in two unique events. Firstly, the crack Ukrainian tank battalions being trained by His Majesty’s finest in the Tank range next to the course, who were preparing for the harsh Russian winter, had actually stopped because the weather was too bad. They were subsequently spotted atop their high observation tower overlooking the course pointing confused at the bizarre sight of Trevor golfers fighting on, soaked to the skin, freezing cold wondering if we might be conscripted to the Ukrainian version of the Wagner group. We gave them Cookie’s number so Putin’s days are now surely numbered.
Second, and in a Trevor First, one entire fourball group (Namely and shamely…. Softers, Sarge, JR, Disco) decided to call it a day after 9 holes and thus without so much of a “they’re still playing behind and in front of us so should we really desert the trenches?” , they shook hands for a dishonorable half. This followed a discussion when the ROW were actually one up. With the Trevor decided by just a few points we can only imagine the discussions amongst the ROW soldiers that night who had stayed on the frontline to fight to the death whilst their cowardly comrades with their white feather caps drank hot coffee in the warm bar and were three beers deep before their Private Ryan teammates were carried in by medics from the combat zone. However, the deserting 4 ball escaped appropriate levels of scrutiny on the grounds that every other player had at least also thought about desertion but only time will tell what future Trevor justice will fall on these sad, sad, disgraceful individuals.
Another major feature saw, for the first time in years, Trevor men gathered on the 18th on singles day to work out whether there was a tight contest. This was a brand-new feeling replacing the depression of the recent ROW dominated years where the singles barely warranted playing at all and where the last nights OHA motivational team talk was “sorry lads, we’re fucked again”.
Even better than this was one of the defining moments in Trevor history as previous fit and healthy golfers nearly en masse turned into old men lazy fuckers in buggies. This pivot, however sad, prompted the Trevor version of the Canonball Run, but to the music of Benny Hill, as a dozen buggies full of Trevorers jumped on their steeds and headed back down the course to the closing holes to witness the tension for themselves. On arriving at the 16th tee it appeared the Trevor was heading for a gripping finale with Toby and Copey both down in their singles against Jack and Jonny meaning the Trevor was….all square!!!
With Jack and Jonny already looking exhausted from playing 16 holes without a single light hearted moment against the OHA’s most intense pairing, all eyes looked backwards to final groups of the Saint and Leafy versus Karlos and Kev. But with Leafy already having secured his win, it appeared the Trevor was in the hands of the Saint. The tension remained as the Copey-Toby-Jonny-Jack matches teed off on 17 to the Trevor version of total silence but this was soon deflected by the news that the Saint had a putt for the Trevor. Such was the poor understanding of the match score by all present that this was announced just 0.1 seconds before Saint rolled in his victory putt and the Trophy returned to Hampton. The phrase “Saintly just won the Trevor” was not high on the bookies list at the start of the weekend but nonetheless went down in history.
The singles had not been without its highlights with Killer not disappointing his global fanbase by managing to blow a 5 hole lead to Simmo. “Just awful”, “couldn’t swing”, “no golf played whatsoever” was his dejected summary. It is tragic that there was no online streaming of this classic encounter – youtube and Tik Tok would doubtless have crashed as Simmo double-bogied the 18th and still won as killer failed to get any of his 15 shots off the ground which would have left millions of viewers clutching their stomachs in hilarity.
Further to this, yours truly confounded the Trevorcast with a 4&3 win against Colin, Disco came good against previously fancied Medsy and Gazza, unshackled having sold his caddy Hazza to Leafy for a princely sum, managed to flip his shocking pre-Trevor form into an astonishing win against the dreadful Major Matt. Mention must be made to Grant who made a mockery of his 10 handicap by achieving a 100% record including a 150yd pitch in in the Saturday greensomes, as close as anyone has come to a Trevor Hole in One |
Away from the course there was the usual fun mix of banter, stories, quizzes, catchups and joviality. A clear highpoint was the inauguration of Sir Pete Leatham OBE to the far higher status of Order of the Trevor Empire with support from the HOFS, especially Disco Evans who topped his role in orchestrating the first ever weather surrender earlier in the day by a startling performance holding the royal coat tails of King Waz.
Another highlight was the sampling of the Cricket virtual reality system as most Trevorers got a taste for the future of sport technology with some hilarious batting techniques and reactions, especially Colin’s doubling up having been hit in the virtual groin by a sharp inswinger and Softers starting to run for a single which, had it been allowed to continue, would have seen him sprint through the bar plate glass window at full tilt. Any doubts as to the future of the Trevor were dispelled as it clearly wont be long before the first virtual Trevor where we get pissed at home but in a virtual bar every night but play Augusta, Pebble Peach and the Old Course in a single weekend.
The absence of a fines committee this year was a total result for certain individuals. Simmo’s loud praise for the form of the underage waitress would definitely have been worth a tenner. Killer would possibly be even lighter in the wallet having started off his Trevor with a test of his cardiovascular system having lost his car keys before a single ball had been struck. Laurence Olivier couldn’t have matched the Shakespeare level panic performance that ensued with Killer convinced he had locked them in the car boot which, inconveniently, also contained his clubs. Killer enlisted Trevor help and searched for an axe ready to smash the boot but with reception confirming no keys had been handed in, our Kill gave it one last check in the room before sending his car to the scrapyard and, hey presto, in the top of the cupboard smiling straight at him, there they were… hidden under a blanket for safe keeping. Clever.
And so 2023 was another belter of a Trevor, played as it was amongst 28 now life-long friends with golf now relegated to a rightful but still very important place and the green shoots of the Trevor future were spotted as young Harry Evans was delightful company and doubtless learnt a great deal, not of all it likely to benefit him in life. Absent friends were discussed and we all hope that Clax, Dronny, JG and Wyn can all return in 2024.
Bring it on!
The absence of a fines committee this year was a total result for certain individuals. Simmo’s loud praise for the form of the underage waitress would definitely have been worth a tenner. Killer would possibly be even lighter in the wallet having started off his Trevor with a test of his cardiovascular system having lost his car keys before a single ball had been struck. Laurence Olivier couldn’t have matched the Shakespeare level panic performance that ensued with Killer convinced he had locked them in the car boot which, inconveniently, also contained his clubs. Killer enlisted Trevor help and searched for an axe ready to smash the boot but with reception confirming no keys had been handed in, our Kill gave it one last check in the room before sending his car to the scrapyard and, hey presto, in the top of the cupboard smiling straight at him, there they were… hidden under a blanket for safe keeping. Clever.
And so 2023 was another belter of a Trevor, played as it was amongst 28 now life-long friends with golf now relegated to a rightful but still very important place and the green shoots of the Trevor future were spotted as young Harry Evans was delightful company and doubtless learnt a great deal, not of all it likely to benefit him in life. Absent friends were discussed and we all hope that Clax, Dronny, JG and Wyn can all return in 2024.
Bring it on!
RESULTS
Day 1
Greensomes Scores
Game 1 Game 2 Game 3 Game 4 Game 5 Game 6 Game 7 |
HA
Gazza & Hoody JR & Suds Leafy & Saint Disco & Toby Jimmy & Gary Copey & Killer Joey & Jules |
ROW
Prich & Pete Matt & Medsy Kev & Simmo Sarje & Jack Karlos & Colin Waz & Jon Softers & Grant |
Results
OHA 1up OHA 4&2 ROW 2&1 OHA 2&1 OHA 3&2 OHA 2Up ROW 4&2 |
Morning Score - OHA 5 ROW 2
Better Ball Scores
Game 1 Game 2 Game 3 Game 4 Game 5 Game 6 Game 7 |
OHA
Copey & Hoody Leafy & Jules Joey & Gary Suds & Saint Gazza & Killer JR & Disco Jimmy & Toby |
ROW
Matt & Karlos Pete & Medsy Colin & Waz Prich & Grant Jack & Simmo Sarje & Softers Kev & Jon |
Results
OHA 4&3 OHA 5&4 ROW 3&2 ROW 2&1 ROW 2&1 All Square ROW 1Up |
Afternoon Score - OHA 5 ROW 9
Day 1 Score - OHA 10 ROW 11
Day 2
Better Ball Scores
Game 1 Game 2 Game 3 Game 4 Game 5 Game 6 Game 7 |
OHA
Suds & Toby Killer & Disco Leafy & JR Gazza & Jules Copey & Gary Saint & Jimmy Joey & Hoody |
ROW
Softers & Medsy Prich & Simmo Matt & Pete Colin & Jon Grant & Karlos Waz & Jack Sarje & Kev |
Result
All Square OHA 2&1 OHA 3&2 ROW 2&1 ROW 5&3 All Square OHA 3&2 |
Day 2 Score - OHA 8 ROW 6
OVERALL Score - OHA 18 ROW 17
Day 3 -
Singles Scores
Game 1 Game 2 Game 3 Game 4 Game 5 Game 6 Game 7 Game 8 Game 9 Game 10 Game 11 Game 12 Game 13 Game 14 |
OHA
Gazza Joey Disco Jimmy Killer Gary JR Roger Jules Hoody Toby Copey Leafy Saint |
ROW
Matt Grant Medsy Prich Simmo Waz Softers Pete Colin Sarje Jack Jon Kev Karlos |
Result
OHA 4&3 ROW 4&2 OHA 2&1 ROW 3&1 ROW 1up ROW 7&5 OHA 7&5 OHA 4&2 OHA 4&3 ROW 4&3 ROW 1up OHA 1up OHA 5&4 OHA 3&2 |
Day 3 Score - OHA 16 ROW 12
OVERALL Score - OHA 34 ROW 29
2023 Player Stats
OHA Team
Disco JR Leafy Copey Jules Gazza Hoody Saint Roger (1 Round) Killer Jimmy Joey Suds Toby Gary |
% (Wins & Points)
75% (3 Wins, 4 pts) 75% (3 Wins, 4 pts) 75% (3 Wins, 4 pts) 75% (3 Wins, 3.5 pts) 50% (2 Wins, 3 pts) 50% (2 Wins, 2.5 pts) 75% (3 Wins, 2.5 pts) 25% (1 Win, 2.5 pts) 25% (1 Win, 2 pts) 50% (2 Wins, 1.5 pts) 25% (1 Win, 1 pts) 25% (1 Win, 1 pts) 25% (1 Win, 1 pts) 25% (1 Win, 1 pts) 25% (1 Win, 0.5 pts) |
ROW Team
Grant Simmo Jack Waz Prich Sarje Colin Jon Kev Softers Karlos Medsy Matt Pete |
% (Wins & Points)
100% (4 Wins, 4.5 pts) 75% (3 Wins, 3.5 pts) 50% (2 Wins, 3.5 pts) 50% (2 Wins, 3.5 pts) 50% (2 Wins, 3 pts) 25% (1 Win, 2.5 pts) 50% (2 Wins, 2 pts) 50% (2 Wins, 2 pts) 50% (2 Wins, 1.5 pts) 25% (1 Win, 1.5 pts) 25% (1 Win, 1 pts) 0% (0 Wins, 0.5 pts) 0% (0 Wins, 0 pts) 0% (0 Wins, 0 pts) |
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